Hello there! I'm visiting from ReadThine-ReadMine!

In the first paragraph there are a few instances of clunky word use. Phrases that makes the prose read awkwardly; it brings the reader to a stop. In this line, "The Lir lay in serried ranks atop the grassy knoll, each next one facing the opposite way from the other." There is the use of the word "next" after the word "each". Perhaps you meant something like, "- each other one facing the opposite way from the other." This is more comprehensive and reads more smoothly.

Your description of the characters (regarding the early segments about soldiers on the battlefield) read almost poetically. Instead of feeding information, you create an atmosphere of loss and misery. It painted quiet the eerily beautiful image of despair.

Something that I noticed and appreciate (because I do it in my own prose ) was the separation of hard-hitting lines as their own "paragraph". I love utilizing this practice because, for me, it creates more impact; causes the reader to hit a full beat when reading it to themselves. Love it.

Your grammar and spelling has been near perfect thus far - so I did want to point out one error. Here in this line, "'We are here to observe the Lir,' Oura insisted. Fluttered her wings and resettled herself." Stating "fluttered" this way doesn't necessarily make sense, nor is proper sentence formatting. I would perhaps reform this segment as such, "'We are here to observe the Lir,' Oura insisted. She fluttered her wings and resettled herself." Now the sentence is structured correctly.

The dialogue in particular is very well done. To me, it's not only believable - but elegant and entertaining. It reads easily and keeps the pace of the piece quick and fun.

I loved the clever inclusion at the end of the ravens conversation that Sen was noticing things while digging for the ant. So cute.

There is another moment of unusual word use (probably by accident). In the second portion at the beginning of Kavus' entry into the prose in this line, "He’d run out of tears long hours ago." The removal of either the word "long" or "hours" would resolve this issue and still make sense.

Further into Kavus' portion there is something I'd like to suggest. What is usually used to signify a thought is italics. There is a single line paragraph that I think you meant to be read as a thought that you can apply this method to. "Wrong wrong wrong these are wrong!"

There is another instance of awkward word use in the moment where Kavus is transitioning. Towards the end of the segment where the female horse runs away, there is this line: "He wanted that." It may be an American connotation, but this comes across to me like... too modern. A rapper, tbh. I would perhaps change the word "that" to something else. Perhaps "He wanted her or it,"?

I greatly enjoy the hierarchy and purpose you've provided for the different species (the Lir and the Logos). It's creative and entertaining. Especially when brought up in dialogue. When you begin explaining this world, this (dying Eden), through the eyes of these characters - as the reader, I become immersed in your world.

I greatly enjoyed this piece. I'm sure there were other chapters, prologues, etc. that I could have read before hand - but in one piece of prose you provided enough information for me to understand as well as keep me entertained throughout. You also have a natural gift for story-telling. You practice the "show, don't tell" method throughout. Truly wonderful writing. Keep refining and honing your craft, and I'm excited for what things you'll accomplish.

Kimberly